he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
