I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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