Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
