i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
