My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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