booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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