Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Randomize
