I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Randomize
