Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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