I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
