Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
