Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
