How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
