Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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