Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
