So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
My dick has a subreddit
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
