More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
