hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
