I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
