guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
