I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
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