why didn't you poke me back
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
