I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
