My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
