I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
