Need sex. Gaining weight.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
