Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
