your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Randomize
