She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
