I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
