remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
