So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
