Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
