Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
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