If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Randomize
