i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Randomize
