not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
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