Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Randomize
