So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
