I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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