My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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