Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
