He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
