I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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