i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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