Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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