He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
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