terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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