Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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