I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
