im so drunk with asians
where?
always
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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