I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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