Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
